I can't sleep

Recently I've gone through a lot of life changes, and right now I'm in between wanting to do whatever is necessary to move forward, while also looking back at my past longingly. It's a bit unsettling to look at the past and wanting to go back to it, knowing that I was unhappy. I'm fighting depression as hard as I can, and some days, to no avail. I developed a mental disorder, because I was so conflicted with myself and who I was becoming and who I was allowing myself to be.

The days are long, unproductive and depressing. I've been lost... wondering who I am, want I want to be, how did I get here? Searching my brain for the answers and seeking advice from close friends, with no solutions. I'm in the dark, and while my friends are still continuing on with their lives, with their drama and life choices driving them every day, I'm still here, waiting for something.

I know I want to make something of myself and to move forward from all of this. I know there are some tangible, definite ways that I could go about moving forward. But the real question is, am I ready for it? Am I ready to take the first step towards being independent, happy, successful and responsible? To support myself, and my young child in our life together?

I haven't had a "real" job in almost two years. Now the economy seems to be doing a bit better, but only benefiting those that have been actively searching for jobs, gaining experience and being available to whatever opportunities they are given. Unfortunately, I am not one of those people. Before I even start looking for a job or attending school, I need to find decent childcare. Not only do I need to find decent childcare, but it needs to be affordable. There are waiting lists for government subsidized child care, which may take weeks or months to start receiving. While I was pregnant, I was looking at rates for daycare centers in my area and the numbers were frightening. After taxes and paying for childcare, I would be making $50 a week. Also consider this is me working full-time hours, 5 days a week.

I've also been looking at going to school. Those same government subsidized childcare coupons are only granted to those working at least 24 hours a week, or those enrolled in a 2-year associates program. I cannot attend a 4-year program and receive childcare benefits. So I've looked around at colleges, trying to find associates degrees that I may be interested in. The disappointing thing is, I haven't really found anything that I know could be put to good use in my future. Does KSU/SPSU/GSU even have 2-year programs? I'd really like to go to a better school versus some crappy, dated technical school in the slums. (Been there, done that)

I really hope things start to change. I really hope I can start finding the answers, or at least start asking the right questions. Here's to moving on.